Letter to my landlord

Dear Landlord

Quite frankly, you’re pissing us off. For almost a year now we have lived with a torrent of repair men, handy men, builders, and lets not forget yourself as well, wandering onto the premises as and when you please. Are you aware you’re supposed to give us, your tenants, 24hrs notice before coming to the property? Yes, of course you are, how can you not be- WE TELL YOU EVERY WEEK. Yet still you insist on turning up unannounced, still you go out of your way to get under our feet.

Of course you’re not the only thing under our feet. As a result of your shoddy workmanship (why use one piece of wood when seven smaller ones and a lot of glue will do) and your apparent disregard for the council’s instructions, we have rats. We actually managed to let one decompose for several days before discovering the carcass as it happened to die underneath the broken leaky sink, which already smelt pretty awful. We had already asked you to fix that, by the way.

While we’re on the subject, there are a few other things we’ve asked you to fix this year. The broken tap in the bathroom that spurts hot water across the room and won’t turn off again. Well, it’s supposed to be hot water, but with the boiler being as temperamental as it is (and you never bothering to sort it), it does often end up being cold. While I have my cold shower in the morning I’m regularly hit on the head by the broken shower door, which we requested you fix in fresher’s week. The broken drawers in my bedroom that I have to store my clothes in could do with being repaired. Then there’s the hole in a bedroom window that lets in a breeze. The kitchen cupboard door doesn’t open the whole way. The door to the conservatory doesn’t close the whole way. And don’t even get me started on the conservatory…

So basically I want to tell you not to bother booking the people to pave the garden. There are a hundred more important jobs that need doing first. With our exams coming up, we don’t want our revision time to be filled with more workmen and more stress, unless they’re nice well-qualified plumbers and builders that won’t be in our way for weeks and might actually finish the job they start. Feel free to do whatever the hell you like after the 10th June though- we will all have gone home, safe in our warm, clean and rat-free houses. I can’t bloody wait!

The Tenants

Oh if only I could send it...